Depression

Depression

Depression is such a boring topic. It’s not even an accurate descriptive of my feelings. I am not sad. I don’t have the “baby blues”. I’m just stuck inside of a bucket deep in a well of my own making, there are times when the bucket rises and I can see blue skies and butterflies and then other times the rope seems to slip and I delve deeper into this dark pit of nothingness.

The horrible part of all of this is that I KNOW THIS IS HAPPENING. And I can’t seem to pull myself out of it. I shake my head at myself in constant amazement that I cannot seem to “level” myself out.

A big problem for me lately is my anti-social behaviour.

Tied in part to my weight gain, tied in part to who-knows-what – I just don’t want to go out and do things in social situations – but when I do? I have a great time! Nothing bad ever happens, I don’t think anything bad ever happens, but when Jay tells me we’ve been invited to a dinner at a relative’s, and then to a wedding for some neighbours this weekend – TWO SOCIAL FUNCTIONS IN ONE WEEK! – I have this urge to feign illness and jump under the covers and sleep until it’s all over with.

I tell him I don’t want to go because I’m tired, which is partly true, but I’m always tired because my baby doesn’t sleep through the night. I am used to this situation, I can survive on four hours of broken sleep and twenty espressos. He knows this. I tell him I’m fat and don’t have any clothes to wear and I don’t want to go anywhere because of that, he says he’s fat too, let’s just suck it up and where what we have and not worry about it. I keep making excuses – the baby! my tummy hurts! I have a migraine! Chanel’s not feeling well! I have too much to do! – and he always finds some kind of solution to my “problem”.

I just don’t want to go.

I don’t know why.

I just don’t.

It drives me batshit crazy that I know that this is all in my head. I don’t think anything bad will be happening to me. I love talking, so that’s not a problem. I’m not shy, not by any means. I would just rather slump on the sofa, watch tv and eat pizza and drink wine. Not alone! With Jay. Which makes it all okay….

Ugh.

This whole post is depressing but I will not apologize for it or for making you read it (if you’ve even gotten this far).

You know, if you met me, if you came to my house for a tea or some coffee, I would give you a snack (maybe some cheese, a croissant, or oreos, whatever you wish) and we would watch our kids play (or just mine if you don’t have any), and we would discuss life and love and tv shows and events in town and the house build and shopping and on and on…. AND YOU WOULD NEVER GUESS I’D BE SO MESSED UP.

follow me on bloglovin

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  • I would totally come over to your house, eat all the oreos, and you will never guess how messed up I AM. Until I start talking about it. I can tell you some jokes and make you feel better though! Hugs to you.

  • I honestly doubted you’re “so messed up.” I get the feeling (through years of blogging and tweeting with you) that you’re a totally fun person. You don’t have to be a social butterfly to be fun 🙂 I’m a homebody too though and I don’t even have kids to blame it on yet lol. My wife urges me constantly to get a life and go out places with my friends. Sometimes that hurts my feelings because I feel like a loser. I tell her I’ll make plans… and I never do (or I cancel). ugh. I totally understand.

  • i can relate and i’m sorry that you have to go trough this. I am as well in social withdrawal when i am down. I don’t have any excuse but the mental issues it self. It may difficult to understand for other people but worth a try to talk about it to person we trust or a therapyst. Hugs and much support.

    • Thanks for the comments. I think it’s rather ironic that we go through a social withdrawal while depressed when being around people would actually make me feel better!

  • Thank you for writing this. I totally and completely relate….not even kidding. I couldn’t have put it into words this well myself. I’m not “sad” either, and I hide it all really well, but some days are just hard. I’m so very glad to know I’m not the only one.

    • Trust me, you are definitely not alone. I was surprised how many women I knew around me suffer from similar problems, or from anxiety disorder, or other forms of depression. Everyone has their own problems to deal with 🙂

  • You’re not alone! We may have different “triggers” but I have and still am struggling with the same feelings. They kind of come and go but every once in a while they come back and take over again. You get into this cycle of being down, and then being down about being down and it takes time and a lot of energy to break it. Thanks for writing this! It really helps to know there are others out there facing the same things. 🙂