Summer is in full swing here in our small mountain town – it was over 30°C all weekend long, sunny, and beautiful. We spent our last few days hiking, downhill mountain biking, and splashing around in the lake. It was our little boy’s first time in a lake since he was a baby, and at first he wasn’t sure about any of it – but soon he realised he could splash his sister with water, repeatedly, and he found it great fun!
Let’s back up for just a second – we didn’t splash around in the lake. No, my husband and my two kids did, but I? I sat on the sidelines, in the shade on our blanket, watching them. Smiling and waving at them. Not quite knowing whether or not I should put on my bikini and join them.
I had the cons listed in my head: I hated cold water. By the time I got my bikini on, Holland would most likely not want to stay in the lake, and I would have put it on for nothing. I wasn’t even sure if my bikini fit, I hadn’t worn it in so long.
Glancing around at the bodies on the beach, I noted there were 3 obese people in a sea of ‘regular’ or ‘fit’ bodies. I tried to imagine whose body was similar to mine, what would I look like out here on the beach, half-naked, in front of everyone.
I could feel my eyes pricking up with tears as I realised that this wasn’t the first time my weight held me back from doing something I wanted to do. But I blinked them away. I thought long and hard about why I couldn’t bring myself to put on my bathing suit.
“Mama, are you coming in?” My daughter shouting at me from the water. I waved and shook my head no.
I just couldn’t do it. Ever since I realised how big I was and how much weight I gained, I’ve become more self-conscious about myself – about what I’m wearing and what I’m doing. I kept thinking what a bad example I was to my daughter.
But in the end I just couldn’t do it. And I just sat in the shade, in the hot hot heat, wishing I had the balls to put on a bathing suit and not worry about what I looked like or what people thought.